How to Handle Confrontation!

How do you handle it when someone uses emailing as a form of confrontation? What do you make of it?

I call it the "BLAME GAME"!

Using email or written form to cope with ones' stress and anger can sometimes be a very inappropriate way of handling a problem or issue especially in the workplace. Whatever the case is about that you might be having or experiencing with someone, it is best to process the information verbally and in person. Sometimes through email (or in other written formats), words and tone can come out in a manner that sounds degrading and can also seem as though you are blaming instead of helping to take part of the responsibility of fixing or solving the problem (especially if the problem is mutual). As a counselor, coach, and mental health therapist - we are taught and trained thoroughly that CONFRONTATION (all though not something we want to do) is necessary and a grave part of life. There is a way to do this in person that does not degrade or disrespect another person/s. It has to do with having mutual respect as well as having respect for yourself. I'll talk about boundaries in the next posting (part 2 on parenting confrontation)! Pam's going to help out with this one - Holla at me Pam!


Blaming is an irrational way to look at any problem. In therapy we call these "irrational thoughts" or thinking distortions a way of "stinky thinking" (Albert Ellis). "Stinky Thinking" needs to be changed because it is the negative thinking that can interfere with choosing a positive lifestyle. Here are some common thinking distortions that Sigmund Freud, Albert Ellis, and other psychology researchers have termed over the past 150 years. We all do them. What's important is how we can use these distortions less in our lives and change the way we think over time. It's ultimately a choice. As humans we are creatures of habit - change is hard but inevitable!

Patterns of Thinking Distortions:

All or Nothing: This is where one sees everything as all good or all bad. No room for meeting in the middle. Wanting absolute perfection in yourself or others. Purely black and white thinking.

Jumping to Conclusions: Assuming a negative result will happen when it has not happened yet.

Negative Expectations: Expecting an experience to be negative (similar to jumping to conclusions).

Grandiose Expectations: Expecting those to give you something in return for your past contributions or good work, etc. A few examples might be: you expect the $100,000 salary per year job because you believe you are the only one for the job because you are much smarter or better than all the rest - so you pass on the less paying job and end up unemployed and frustrated. Another example might be: that the woman you just took out on your second date "deserves" to give you want you want afterwards - meaning sexual favors.

Overgeneralizing (entitlement): thinking if something happened once - it will always happen that way.

Victim Stance: affects how you interact with people. This is the "poor me" when things are not going right. You believe everyone else is the cause of your problems. This can flow right into overgeneralizing or entitlement thinking as well.

Catastrophizing: a catastrophe is a disaster, a situation in which everything has gone wrong and there's no way out. In catastrophizing you assume that everything bad is going to happen because one thing goes wrong.

Minimizing: making something big seem like a no big deal because you do not want to focus or take responsibility for the behavior.

In order to change some of these thinking distortions....psychologists, counselors, and therapists use "cognitive restructuring" -- a way of thought changing - the way you think! More on C.R. later.